|  Author | Topic: Paelinos [Finished] (Read 629 times) |
Paelinos
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Karma: 0 |  | Paelinos [Finished]
« Thread Started on Jan 29, 2007, 10:50pm » | |
Name: Paelinos
Race: Ruindil
Allegiance: Jnathan
Occupation: Explorer
Age: 20
Gender: Male
Hair//Eye Color: Dark Brown//Blue
Height: 5 foot, 7 inches
Weight: 130 pounds
Town of origin: Citrine, Fire Realm
Clothing: Paelinos wears a tunic and shorts made from a light tan material. Over this he wears a robe that lets hot air come out, but not in by being open at the top.
Description: Paelinos is very thin. His deep blue eyes are a sharp contrast to the rest of his body, which is white in most places and a light tan in others. His hair is black, which annoys him because it gets quite hot at times, so he cut it rather short, so that it only comes down to 1/3 of the way down his neck.
He is sometimes impatient, and can get quite angry if something he needs or wants takes a long time. His temper doesn't flare nearly as much as it did when he first joined the academy, but it still does sometimes, and when it does other things will tend to flame too.
Paelinos is a reader at heart, and has even written a couple small books, though he never finished any of them. He also tries to think things through with logic, but sometimes his emotions will get in the way.
Flame: Blue
Weapons: He has straight dual swords, though he seldom uses them. He more normally uses his flames and his gloves, but at some times he will decide to use the swords, and then he has flame run up and down the swords, which although is a little inefficient, it still servers well as a scare.
Languages: Ruindil, and learning common.
History: He was born 20 years ago to Athim and Rayna Tahra. He lived a happy childhood until the age of 10. However, at that time, he got into a fight at school with a bully who was bullying his sister. At one point, the bully punched him right in the chest, and Paelinos got so mad that without thinking he extended his mind to a candle flame, summoned it to his hand, and then enlarged it and threw it at the bully. The bully had to be tended by a healer, and since then he had been thrown out of school. Sullenly, he returned home. He was home-taught for the next several years.
He learned how to not use it as much and how not to get angry as much. The parents wanted him to stay and not go to the Ruindil official training because then he would be gone for 5 years. However, he dreamed always of being found by a Master and being trained. So whenever he went outside of the house, he would always just let flames around him flicker and sputter whenever he walked past them, not enough for his parents to notice, but just enough for watchful people to see.
So it went like this for five years, with him being taught at home, learning to read and write. He wrote many books, and did everything basically normal, except that occasional sputter. And then, when he was fifteen, two Ruindils came to him take him to Jnathan. It seemed that sputter had finally gotten noticed. To his parents horror, and to his delight, he had been accepted into training. He gladly followed them to the camp of Ruindil outside of Citrine.
Now, truly , his work had begun. He was carefully diligent in his studies and training, although a lot of times he got a little impatient with it. However, he was a relatively good student, and he trained and studied, and learned to manipulate fire, his temper, and other people's tempers, and finally, he got his gloves. That was the happiest day of his life. He joyfully slid them on for the first time and made a great raging fire just for the fun of it. He then went back to his family to tell them the great news.
But when he returned home he found out that there had been a sandstorm and the village had to move. However, no one he could find knew where they had moved, so he has for a while been wandering around trying to find wherever they relocated to.
RP Sample:
Paelinos wandered along bleakly. He angrily kicked at a sand dune, sending up a small spray of sand. This was impossible! He would never find his family! Why did they leave him, anyway? Did they think he would never come back? Why didn't they tell anyone where they had gone?
All these thoughts blew through his head as he trudged along a giant sea of sand. Then he looked up, and saw a small village. He quickly teleported over to it, startling a couple people.
"Excuse me, have you heard of a village that moved recently? And can I stay for the night?"
Realizing what their likely reaction to this would be, he quickly rethought his approach. He bowed deeply to them, every inch radiating humbleness. Man, I hate doing this. he thought to himself. "Aah, I am just a harmless tinkerer of flames, nothing to be worried about. My village seems to have pulled a prank on me, and moved elsewhere." There, that should sooth them.
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Saniyl Riza
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« Reply #1 on Jan 29, 2007, 11:00pm » | |
A couple of things I noticed:
You can erase the stuff in parentheses, the stuff that was there with the bio.
Also, the history is supposed to be story form. That is why it says show and not tell. You just have a paragraph sort of explaining about him. The history is supposed to be there past, like family and friends, everything leading up to the rp.
For the clothing and description, could you please make it more of a paragraph instead of a list? For instance, explain why his clothes are fireproof. Don't just assume that everyone will know what you are talking about because I am not the only one who will be accepting this bio. For description, go into more detail about his appearance (does he have short hair? long hair? Does he smile all the time? or does he usually stay to himself?)
In either the description or the history, you need to explain why he is so 'headstrong and arrogant'.
~~~
That is just what I see of the top of my head. I do not have time to read through it at the moment, but for the most part, you just need to add more detail from what I have seen so far.
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Paelinos
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« Reply #2 on Feb 7, 2007, 12:25am » | |
Good?
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Nakito
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« Reply #3 on Feb 7, 2007, 6:41am » | |
I personally found the bio in general just a little bit vague. I would appreciate if you went into just a tad bit more detail.
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Paelinos
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« Reply #4 on Feb 7, 2007, 10:41pm » | |
There. Hope that's a little less vague? I'm really trying but it's hard to come up with specific details.
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Saniyl Riza
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« Reply #5 on Feb 7, 2007, 11:16pm » | |
I think part of the vagueness may be coming from the fact that you don't really know much about the Ruindil. If you can give me a couple of days, I will see about getting a sample Ruindil bio written up, and perhaps that would clarify some things.
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Paelinos
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« Reply #6 on Feb 8, 2007, 12:44am » | |
Thaankyou so much. Yeah I don't know anything except that they get gloves and control fire and the stuff in teh discriptions.
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Saniyl Riza
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« Reply #7 on Feb 10, 2007, 2:32pm » | |
Hopefully I can clear that up a bit.
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Saniyl Riza
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« Reply #8 on Mar 23, 2007, 4:50pm » | |
Ok, I have a sample bio posted displaying what things would be like up until the start of training. I would like you to take a look at that bio, and make some changes to your bio. Anything you see that doesn't quite fit with the sample, you can change.
I am going to hold off on giving my 1/3 until you edit this bio.
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Saniyl Riza
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Karma: 6 | | Re: Paelinos [Not Finished]
« Reply #9 on Mar 25, 2007, 10:07pm » | |
I know this is a double post, but I wanted to make sure that you would see that I have posted since you have been on.
I notice that you copied Jade's bio, and are simply changing things from there. There is absolutely nothing wrong with that, but I thought I could possibly clarify what I said earlier.
You bio does not have to be exactly like Jade's, or have all the same information. What I meant by 'things that don't fit with the sample' was that you simply needed to add/change/delete stuff that didn't match the culture or customs of the Ruindil... I don't know if that cleared anything up, but it was worth a shot. ^_^
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Paelinos
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« Reply #10 on Mar 27, 2007, 7:58pm » | |
I know. I'm using it as the base-line, it's giving me a lot of ideas.
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Saniyl Riza
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« Reply #11 on Mar 27, 2007, 8:49pm » | |
Just thought I'd make sure. ^_^ I'm glad to hear it's helping you.
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Paelinos
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Karma: 0 | | Re: Paelinos [Not Finished]
« Reply #12 on Nov 8, 2007, 9:49am » | |
I'm back I'm back and I am SO sorry that I ever left I accidentally deleted this board from my favorites and then i couldn't find it but now I DID sorry if it seems I'm rambling on I'm just so HAPPY that I found it!!!
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